Pilgrim’s (Alan’s) Progress
[The Testimony of Alan Richardson]
Part III - Testing

(Go to Pilgrim's [Alan's] Progress Part II - Salvation.)

Praise And Breakthrough

     I lived alone in my apartment and other than the church services I attended, I was nearly always at home. The depression and strong demonic influence on my life caused me to hope for night when it was daytime, and for day when it was nighttime. I dreamed of a vacation from Satan, where I could relax on a beautiful, breezy Caribbean Island like Trinidad, the birthplace of one my Sisters at church.

     Over a five (5) month period my condition “snowballed”, and just got bigger and badder. The depression became so bad that it seemed like I felt no emotion, seeming as if I were dead (separated from God). I was emotionally numb, and life seemed to be gone. I had been living on frozen food that was quick and easy to prepare, and after the depression caused me to lose my appetite, I began to force myself to eat three (3) meals a day. I was only able to do that for a short time before I saw I needed help from another person. So I called my mother and I told her I had no appetite. She came and took me back to her house, where she cooked and cared for me. I readily ate the food that Mom cooked for me. Several days after being back at Mom’s I awoke from a nap to find myself under severe demonic oppression. It felt as though someone were tightening a metal band around the top of my head. It happened to be Friday the 13th (September 13th, 1996). The devil backed me into the proverbial “corner,” I was forced to fight back.

     I made my way into the front room of our house to play a praise and worship video on our VCR. I picked up my Sunday Night Live tape that I had purchased from Jimmy Swaggart Ministries the year before (1995). I began with a slow song called “The Love Of Jesus”. The second song is an up-tempo song assisted by the Family Worship Center Resurrection Choir and it’s heavily anointed (rubbed) by the Spirit of God. It’s called “Jesus Is With Me”. Praising God through the power of the Holy Spirit became my weapon to reverse the attack against my spiritual enemies. The powerful praise (on the tape) and the anointing, the presence of God (in the room) flooded in like never before – Awesome!

Holy Ghost Deliverance!

     As the music played and the praises went forth, I began to pray in the Spirit (in tongues), and it was as if I had stepped into a river of the anointing. “And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb.” - Revelation 22:1 (KJV)

     My prayer language flowed with an ease and fluidity such as I had never experienced: “And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever…” - John 14:16 (KJV). I seized the moment and spent plenty of time praying that afternoon, as I sensed my opportunity for a breakthrough. Since it was Friday, I went to the A.L.I.V.E. (Adults Living In Victory and Excellence) church service that night, where Brother Larry Hixon ministered to us on “Pulling Down Strongholds”. After Brother Larry had preached, he prayed over us, and the congregation prayed over each other, by the laying on of hands. The power of God was present to deliver. The Bible declares:

     “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds.” - 2 Corinthians 10:4 (KJV)

     Following the service, some of the group went to a Bennigan's restaurant for food and fellowship. As I entered the restaurant and waited for others to arrive, a young man named Rene' approached me and spoke to me. Rene' was a married man that attended the A.L.I.V.E. service that night. After a few moments, I recognized that something was different. It was me that was different. I was enjoying the conversation and fellowship that I was having with Brother Rene' - I was no longer depressed. For most of the Spring and all of the Summer I had not been able to enjoy anything. I couldn’t read my Bible. I couldn’t pray. But on Friday the 13th it felt like a 200 pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. Sweet Lord Jesus! He's the Waymaker, the Sea-Walker, and the Blind Man Healer! He broke through the bondage, and now I can walk in the Light:

     “But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light.” - 1 Peter 2:9 (KJV)

     One Friday night after church service let out, I spoke with a man named Greg who was a member of the street evangelism team at Lakewood. I told him I had just had the 2nd greatest week of my life (Greg acknowledged that the greatest moment for a Christian is the moment he meets the Lord and surrenders his life to Him). Through this amazing deliverance the Lord afforded me, I gained first-hand experience of the awesome potential and power of praying in “tongues”. For “He that speaketh in an unknown tongue edifieth himself…” - 1 Corinthians 14:4 (KJV).

     Three (3) days after my deliverance from those awful strongholds, I found myself sitting down to lunch with my parents. My mother was trying meat from a different store, and I had an unusually tough piece. I was working on the meat with my steak knife. I thought to myself, “I'm going to tear down my muscles by cutting up this meat, and build them back up by eating it.” I shared the thought with my parents, and the amusement of the thought about the toughness of the meat was amplified when I spoke it out loud. The atmosphere suddenly changed. The joy I felt at that moment was like when a person is caught up in waves of laughter as a result of being physically tickled. I did not have a person tickling my physical body, nor was I laughing out loud, but I had a sense of swelling joy and laughter within - and a lightness and release from the cares of this life. They seemed to be swept away in the presence of the Lord. The wound from the “browbeating” Sister Rebecca gave me over hesitating to be healed was washed away by the anointing of the Holy Spirit! This joy that I felt as I sat at lunch with my folks was such a welcome and beautiful feeling. The Lord set me free again! This time, from a wounding of words:

     “When the LORD turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream. Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them. The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad.” - Psalms 126:1-3 (KJV)

     Five (5) days after the demons attacked me on my way to the Friday the 13th deliverance, I was laying on the same bed and reflecting on the time when I stood up Tyara at the hospital. I was feeling regret over that, and I longed for a way I might somehow make it up to her. I thought, “I feel separated from her…” Immediately the Holy Spirit finished my thought – as if He were standing and speaking to me the in open door – saying, “But you will never be separated from Me...”

     “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.” - Romans 8:35-37 (KJV)

     Nothing compares to the flood of the Lord’s peace and presence. It was and is better than anything my human mind could or can imagine. I felt like I “surfed” on the word, “But you will never be separated from Me” for three (3) weeks. I felt like I was on a “honeymoon” with the Holy Ghost for a total of six (6) weeks. What power! I refer to the presence of the Lord that brought deliverance to my life a “lingering anointing”, because I continued to experience unprecedented fellowship and revelation of the Holy Spirit in the weeks that followed.

Name And Fame Of Annette

     “The LORD hath taken away thy judgments, he hath cast out thine enemy: the king of Israel, even the LORD, is in the midst of thee: thou shalt not see evil any more. In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem, Fear thou not: and to Zion, Let not thine hands be slack. The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. I will gather them that are sorrowful for the solemn assembly, who are of thee, to whom the reproach of it was a burden. Behold, at that time I will undo all that afflict thee: and I will save her that halteth, and gather her that was driven out; and I will get them praise and fame in every land where they have been put to shame. At that time will I bring you again, even in the time that I gather you: for I will make you a name and a praise among all people of the earth, when I turn back your captivity before your eyes, saith the LORD.”- Zephaniah 3:15-20 (KJV)

     The Lord gave me a most remarkable revelation two (2) weeks after He delivered me from depression. I attended Friday night “A.L.I.V.E.” at my church, and directly afterward many of the young adults participated in helping fellow church member Sister Elizabeth celebrate her birthday. I rode to Elizabeth’s house with a Brother named Mike, where we met with the others who gathered in Elizabeth’s living room. I wheeled inside and parked my wheelchair in between the front door and front window of the house, next to a reclining chair.

     A short time after people began arriving, guests paired off or formed small groups for fellowship and conversation. I was sitting quietly by myself near the front of the house when my eyes met another pair of eyes. These eyes belonged to a familiar young woman named Annette, whose namesake happens to be the famous Disney “mouseketeer”, Annette Funicello. Annette was at the party with her boyfriend, Louis, but was alone and leaning against the wall opposite me when our eyes met.

     It seemed like each of us was waiting on the other to speak that we might break the ice. After an awkward moment I ventured to pose a question to Annette, saying, “Is there anything new going on?” Annette said, “Yes, I have a new job.” Just after she spoke those words she was called to the back of the house, and as she left the room she motioned that she would return in a moment. It was then that another young lady who was unfamiliar to me (she may have been Elizabeth’s friend or neighbor) walked up to me and started a conversation. She said, “What do you like to do?” Without thinking, I said, “I like to race cars and motorcycles.” As I was engaged in conversation with the woman, Annette returned and took a seat on the arm of the reclining chair at my side. The “perch” that Annette selected was within my reach and view – yet moments later I was stunned as I recognized that it was really her sitting there. How did she get there? I had to look to see that it was her that was sitting by me. It seemed that Annette just “materialized” on the spot, though I know that she took a seat as people normally do. I believe Annette was able to slip in “under the radar” as she did with me, because I find her presence so fitting and comfortable. Seeing Annette there, it appeared as though it was a comfortable place for her, too.

     Later in the evening the young adults continued the fellowship in the front yard, playing a game of touch football in the street. I remember seeing Annette in the street with the others, and I watched as I sat in the yard by the driveway. Later, Annette and Louis stood under the carport a short distance from where I was sitting. I had the thought to ask Annette for a hug, only a minute or two later Annette said, “Bye, Alan”. She was letting me know that she was leaving for the night. Annette awakened me from my meditative state, and I looked in her direction and said, “Bye.”

     As I made my way home from the party that night, I was gripped by an empty, knotted feeling – a void – deep down in my belly. It felt like the conviction of the Holy Spirit when I recognize I have disobeyed Him. First thing after waking the next morning, I lay in bed pondering the dark and empty feeling I had the previous night. What came to my mind was the time that Sister Annette and the youth pastor, Brother Paul, were dating each other. I remembered the afternoon that he invited me to give my testimony to his Sunday school class at the Spanish Church, and him giving me a ride back to my place, afterwards. Then, when we arrived, he asked me if he could give Annette a call. I recalled that as Paul spoke on the phone, I had the strange impression that he and Annette were not right for each other. I did not understand it, I just knew that they were not meant to be together. It seemed that the Holy Spirit had prompted me to ask the question about my funny feeling as we returned from the birthday party, because the next moment He spoke the words, “You knew they were not right for each other, because you and she belong together...” The power of that word hitting me like the proverbial brick. With that word, the lights were turned on! The Holy Spirit led me to ask the question about my recent feeling of emptiness, so that He could reveal that Annette and me were to form a partnership. It had been a setup – so that He could speak the will of the Father to my heart. Praise God for His amazing and life-changing word.

     The date on that day was September 28, 1996. I determined to be patient and wait on the Lord to bring about a meeting between Annette and myself. After another month of living in the renewed freedom and fellowship of the Holy Spirit, my mother said that I must go back to work! So I re-applied at Goodwill Industries, where I had worked a short time after I moved into my apartment. I was hired, and I started back on the first Monday in November 1996 – six (6) weeks after the Lord brought me out of depression. I was able to speak to the Goodwill employees of my marvelous deliverance from spiritual bondage, when I performed a song called “Great Change” in their annual talent show. This was a song recorded at Family Worship Center in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. It boldly testifies to what Jesus can and will do for us, if we commit ourselves to seeking and trusting Him. Being delivered from deception, darkness, and eternal judgment is the greatest change that could ever be!!!

     Before I performed the song at the talent show that day, I testified of God’s power to deliver from depression and deception. The spirit of suicide is a lying, deceiving spirit. I told them that I became so depressed that I wanted to commit suicide. The devil of suicide said I should kill myself, but the devil is a liar, and suicide is a lie. It comes as hopelessness, and succeeds in persuading many people – especially teenagers – to give up and kill themselves. As it is said, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. Suicide is not the solution to life’s problems. Trusting Jesus is. He is the One who will see us through.

Campmeeting And Calling

     I worked as a trainee at Goodwill Industries for six (6) months. Then my rehabilitation counselor recommended me for their Business Skills (computer literacy) class that I was in for another six (6) months, until the time of my I graduation. I finished my year at Goodwill, with only a few days to spare before the beginning of the Thanksgiving Campmeeting at Jimmy Swaggart Ministries. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to attend Family Worship Center and experience the Resurrection Choir “live”, as I had been looking forward to being part of the unified praise of the Choir and church members. It was God’s will that I be there and meet Bruce Hallman, founder of the FMH Children’s Club International.

     After being blessed by the music and the preaching at the Campmeeting, I continued to wait on the Lord concerning Annette. A total of fifty-five (55) weeks passed before I sensed it was God’s timing for me to give her a call. I called Annette’s place of work where I left her a message on her voice mail, asking her if we could make a date. She returned my call and after confirming that I was asking for a romantic date, she told me that she was engaged to be married. I congratulated her, and asked her if she still attended A.L.I.V.E. services. After saying that she did, we agreed that she should return to her work.

A-Rose 25

     Five hundred and fifty-five (555) days after the Lord gave me the word about Annette and myself, I was impressed of the Lord to send her a bouquet of roses. On my way to a doctor’s appointment one day, I visited a floral shop located inside the hospital, to see about their roses. As I stepped out of the building to cross street and enter the professional building next to it, for an instant I saw a vision of me offering Annette a bouquet of red roses in a transparent green vase. The Lord often speaks to me and deals with me through numbers. It was 55 weeks that I waited to call Annette on the phone. I felt a leading to look at the number 555, and count 555 days forward on the calendar from the time of the Lord’s revelation that Annette and I belonged together. The calendar date was April 6 (4/6), 1998. This date pointed me to the Scripture, “...Not by might, not by power, but by my Spirit, saith the Lord.” - Zechariah 4:6 (KJV)

     That April afternoon I began searching the florist who would provide Annette’s roses. “Valentine Florist” (in Houston) delivered the bouquet of twenty-four (24) Colombian red roses on Good Friday. They also delivered one “24k gold” dipped rose. I gave Annette a total of 25 roses. Strong’s Bible Concordance indexes Biblical words and definitions with numbers. The New Testament word for God’s self-sacrificing love is “agape”. Since I gave Annette the roses I learned that agape is Strong’s number 25 (G25). Amen. One (1) plus twenty four (24) also represent this amazing verse: “But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power [Spirit] of God, and the wisdom [Word] of God.” - 1 Corinthians 1:24 (KJV)

     The following Sunday afternoon I ran into Annette's parents after our Easter Sunday church service. I feared their face after sending flowers to their daughter at their house, while Annette was engaged to another man (Louis). I expected a response of rebuke for sending the flowers, but instead I was greatly pleased by the reception they gave me. Moreover, Annette's mother mentioned how beautiful the roses were. Her father noticed my “faithball” and built my faith with his word of encouragement about it, since he recognized it represents the promise I have from God to walk out of my wheelchair.

     My “faithball” is an official NFL “signature” football that my friend Brother Donald got me as a “point of contact” to receive my miracle from God. Donald approached me after church one day, and said that the Lord told him to give me $50 – so that I may buy a football and running shoes [to use by faith]. The football is a reminder of the promise God spoke to me, that if I will “work out” my faith by striving to believe (obey) God in all that I do (Mark 9:23), I can walk, run, and kick (a football) again.

     The “faithball” is labeled with three (3) Scriptures that the Lord impressed upon me from 1996-2000. Years later He showed me that each of the verses is a promise for a different need – #1 is a promise for relief from depression, #2 is for relief from oppression, and #3 is for jumping out of wheelchairs:

#1 “When the LORD turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream. Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them. The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad…” - Psalms 126:1-3 (KJV)

#2 “In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.”- Isaiah 54:14 (KJV)

#3 “He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.” - Psalms 107:20 (KJV)

Firebird For Father

     Another medical condition arose in my family which gave me yet opportunity to stretch my faith toward God. Meck (Dad) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in 1996, after he began showing signs of short-term memory loss. Alzheimer’s is a terminal disease, and my prayer to God was to do the impossible: to heal my Meck of the diabolical affliction of Alzheimer’s. In 1998 I sensed that it was the Lord’s will for me to step out in faith for my father. The vision I received was to search for and get a car for Meck to use by faith, much the way Brother Donald had helped me “stand” for a miracle in my body – with the football and running shoes to use by faith. Meck drove our family cars for three (3) years after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, that added to his hair-raising driving style. My mother finally got Meck into a nursing home, which she determined was the only way to keep him from driving. So in order for him to return to his right mind and be able to drive again, he needed a miracle from God.

     The Lord brought some of Meck’s own words and actions to my attention as a way of giving me the instructions to follow to see him delivered. The quest became clear when I was reminded of something my friend Drew witnessed one afternoon. Meck was a chemical engineer by profession and he would change out of his work clothes before going out in public, as in making a trip to the auto parts store. What Drew told me he saw Meck do was drive my old 1972 Julep Green Firebird past the high school, wearing a white T-shirt and a big grin. In addition, my mother told me about the experience of shopping for the 1999 Oldsmobile Intrigue they bought, after we had admitted Meck to the nursing home. She said that they looked at a gold version and also a green version of the car. Meck was two (2) years into his diagnosis of Alzheimer’s when they bought the gold Intrigue, and she said that Meck was adamant about the green one. So Drew spoke to me about the Firebird that Meck enjoyed driving so much, and Mom spoke about him desiring the green car when they were car shopping. The pieces of this puzzle came together through what Drew and my mother spoke on two (2) different occasions “clicked” to form a clear picture: Seek the Lord concerning an order for a new green Firebird for Dad – his “miracle” car – to drive by faith.

     In December 1999 I laid down on the bed in my apartment, and I had a vision. What I saw that afternoon was the front end of a green car – from its side-view. It resembled a newer model Firebird, and the dimly lit background had the familiar feel of a closed garage. I saw the fore-end (nose and fender) of the car, from the spot where the nameplate would appear above the “rocker panel”. I regarded the vision as a God’s prompting for me to see the Pontiac dealer about a new Firebird for Meck. I called the Metrolift van service and arranged to be picked up and taken to Barnett Pontiac the following day. A few hours later I left for the Friday night prayer service at my church. As Brother Dan (the pastor) led the service, he spoke a word of knowledge, saying, “Who is believing [God] for transportation?” I raised my hand, being the only person in the room that did, for it was only me who was seeking the Lord for a car at that time. Brother Dan joined hands with me, and agreed with me in prayer to receive the car that I was believing God for. I regarded this word spoken by Brother Dan as confirmation to seek Him and believe Him for a car for Dad. And the word came just hours before I was to go to the Pontiac dealership. When the Metrolift pulled up to my curb Saturday afternoon, a big, jolly salesman by the name of Willie stepped up into the van and said, "What can I do for you, today?" The Metrolift driver quickly replied, “He wants to buy a new car!”

     As Willie and I walked toward the Firebirds, he told me that it had been two (2) years since the Lord delivered him from drugs and alcohol. I was amazed at the way things were developing that afternoon. When Willie went back into the dealership to get a set of keys to let me test ride a Firebird Trans Am, I noticed a red “Mecham“ Trans Am pull out of the parking lot (Mecham Trans Ams are a street legal “tuner” car equipped by Mecham Performance). Willie and I went driving down the feeder of the freeway in a Trans Am “demo”, and I mentioned seeing the Mecham Trans Am pull away from the dealership, and also Firehawk – the “tuner car” equipped by Street Legal Performance (SLP) – that I had read about in magazines. Willie’s reply was, “We have a Firehawk”.

     My reaction to Willie’s reply was shock and silence. The reason for that was due to the Firehawk’s limited production numbers. I have since learned that the ratio of Firebirds to Firehawks produced for the model year 2000 was just 1 Firehawk for every 220 Firebirds (Note: a total of approximately 32,000 Firebirds, Formulas, and Trans Ams were made that year – compared to just 500 “Firehawks”). Willie drove me back to the dealership parking lot and took me around the side of the building. That’s the spot where he parked his Honda Goldwing motorcycle, and it was because he used that spot for parking, that he knew about the Firehawk. After that, Willie asked the service manager when the car was delivered to the lot. The service manager said that he did not know anything about the car. That struck me as strange. Willie and I went inside the dealership to talk to Rick, the sales manager. Rick had no knowledge of the car, either. The thought that ran through my mind was the chances of that car being overlooked, instead of being the object of a month’s long waiting list or immediately being snatched up by a dealer, manager or some other “insider” was unthinkable to me. I assumed that it was a new arrival, and had the awesome thought, “This car must have arrived just in time for me to find it. These circumstances had me in awe and asking myself, “Could it be that the Lord has this car here waiting for me to take possession of it?”

     Rick and I sat down and he spoke with me about a purchase price and financing for the car. I showed him the two High Performance Pontiac magazines that I brought along to the dealership that contained photos and details about the Formula and Trans Am Firehawks of the previous model year (1998). He looked at the photos and replied, “You’re obviously an enthusiast.” He told me that I could get financing to help pay for the car, even though I did not have a job. He said that all I needed was someone to co-sign a loan with me, and he could get me into the car. I told Rick that I thought I knew the person who would help me to do this. The person that came to mind was my pastor Brother Dan, who had spoken the word of knowledge and prayed with me about transportation.

     I called Brother Dan to ask him if he would co-sign on a car loan with me. His reply was that the Bible tells us not to be a “…Surety for a stranger...” (Proverbs 11:15). He reminded me that if we signed a loan together and I was unable to make the payments, that he would have to make the payments for me. I did not tell Dan that I had been led to the car by acting in prayer and of faith for Meck’s healing. Neither did I remind him that he was the person who spoke the “word of knowledge”concerning transportation at the Friday night prayer meeting, that was given a few hours after I arranged a trip to the Pontiac dealership. Nor did I ask him to pray about helping me to buy the car by signing on a loan with me. I just accepted the decision that he made (not to be “surety for a stranger”), and I looked to the Lord for a way He would show me to receive the car by faith for Meck. Note: This situation can serve to remind us that it is very possible for Believers to fail God by failing to seek Him and His will through prayer. Failure to pray and then do God’s will results in there being less of the Divine nature in a “Believer”, and more of carnal nature (sinful flesh). Was it God’s will for Brother Dan and me to sign a loan for the Firehawk? Yes! It was a setup! The Lord ordained it as a test for Dan, to “prove” his faithfulness to the will of the Father. The Lord knows all and can tell all.

     After speaking with Brother Dan, I called Rick and told him that the person I asked to co-sign on the car loan with me had declined my request. Rick said that he would give me ten (10) days before putting the Firehawk on the showroom floor, to give me the exclusive option of buying the car during that period. I held out hope that the Lord had a way to make the vision come to pass. But at the end of (10) days I got a call from Willie, who told me that the car had been sold. I was thankful that Willie took the time to let me know.

     It was a relief that I was not holding on to an empty hope any longer. Yet I was devastated that I had missed the Lord, and I took my failure (not getting the car for Meck) to mean that he lost his opportunity to both be healed, and to drive again. But what I considered to be infinitely worse than Meck’s life being cut short by the disease of Alzheimer’s, was that I would be at fault for my dad losing his soul (he was not walking with the Lord at that time). I took it that my failure ended all hope for my miracle, as well.

     This feeling of profound loss and regret triggered a much longer period of depression for me, than the depressive episode in 1996. Even so, the month following its onset (January 2000) Brother Dan gave me a prophetic word, saying, “You’re going to hit the mark” (Philippians 3:14). I was in bad emotional shape then, and it looked impossible for what Dan had spoken to come to pass. But I marked that word of hope that was spoken over me and I looked for it to happen in my life, for it was a ray of light I had to stand on. Note: During Christmas week of 2004 I was visiting my mother when I got to talk to Brother Bruce. I told him that the devil seemed to be hammering me for not having witnessed to Meck when I saw that he was watching a Christian program on his TV one night. I had guilt feelings that I had not done enough to see him come to the Lord. With surprise in his voice, Bruce spoke by the Holy Spirit, saying, “He received salvation before he died.”

Spiritually-Sound Or Psychobabble?

     I entered the New Year (A. D. 2000) in a state of emotional numbness and depression. In February, my condition was apparent to my mother when she visited me at my apartment. I was also physically afflicted in the form of a pressure sore from sitting in my wheelchair without providing adequate pressure relief for the skin over “bony prominences” (Note: a “pressure sore” or “bed sore” is a skin ulcer caused by a lack of adequate blood circulation in people who remain stationary for hours at a time). With my trials of life mounting, my mother and I discussed my options. My emotional condition was obviously serious, and we called Dr. A’s office at T.I.R.R.. She had been transferred to the VA (hospital for veterans), but we were referred to a psychiatrist in private practice, named Dr. Netscher. I told Dr. Netscher of my days of feelings of faintness, where all that I could do is lie down and sleep. I told her I often felt “wired” at night and was unable to sleep, and sometimes I was even unable to lie down on the bed. The same day I met with Dr. Netscher she gave me her diagnosis, and I was feeling depressed and “wired” at the same time, which is clinically called a “mixed state”. I related to Dr. Netscher the brief episode at my parents’ house when the thoughts that were coming to my mind would normally not be regarded as amusing, but at that moment I found them to be hilarious. It’s a bizarre feeling when everything is funny. She recognized that to be euphoria (Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines euphoria as “a feeling of well-being or elation”). Bizarre and unexplainable feelings such as this caused me to wonder if I was going crazy.

     I told Dr. Netscher that I was a Believer in Jesus, and that the Lord told me to give a bouquet of roses to Sister Annette and that He impressed me to give a car to my Alzheimer's-stricken father, Meck. The doctor replied that she believed in Jesus, and was a member of the Episcopal Church. When I spoke to her about the “baptism in the Holy Spirit”, she told me about Pentecostal people she was around in her youth, who she described as being “inspired” by the Spirit. She also referred to a group of them as “crazy Pentecostals” who would be singing as they came down the road in the middle of the night. Dr. Netscher did not show any interest in the Holy Spirit other than her amusement with the midnight singers. She said she was satisfied with her religious experience [that she was not interested in the gift of the Holy Spirit]. Dr. Netscher claims the Lord Jesus Christ, but she does not have an understanding of the things of the Spirit, which are His supernatural manifestations and the One who brings sanctification (holiness) to the lives of men.

     “[Jesus taught them, saying,] Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.” - Matthew 5:6 KJV)

     “And we are his witnesses of these things; and so is also the Holy Ghost, whom God hath given to them that obey him.” - Acts 5:32 (KJV)

     Even though Dr. Netscher claims Christ and the Episcopal Church, she did not regard the flowers I gave Annette and the car I sought for Meck to be acts in faith inspired by the Holy Spirit, but instead that I was delusional. That is the reason she gave me the clinical diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. This can be seen as a combination of the two diagnoses, “schizophrenia”, and “bipolar disorder”, which combine to make “schizoaffective disorder”. These three (3) terms are clinically defined as follows:

1) “Bipolar” – Indicates the two extremes (“poles”) of mood: depression and mania.

2) “Schizo” – Disintegration (fragmentation) of the personality; delusional or disordered thinking.

3) “Affective” – Relating to, arising from, or influencing feelings or emotions.

     I have been exposed to the onslaught of the devil’s devices, and I have learned that he comes to bring battle to the minds of people. This is a part of his job, and he is especially geared toward warring in the minds of God’s people. This battle between light and darkness (good and evil) was inadvertently illustrated by my Texas Rehabilitation Commission (vocational) counselor, who said that there is a “spectrum” in which mental illnesses are. It is ironic that my vocational counselor used a term (spectrum) that is a reference to light, when the practice of psychology and psychiatry are completely void of the Light of God, and therefore is helpless to affecting permanent change in the mind of man. Psychology is man’s wisdom (“the wisdom of the world”) – it is comprised of man’s ungodly theories and ideas, and as a familiar Brother put it, it amounts to man attempting to play God.

     Psychology puts labels on mental and emotional challenges of the mind which are rooted in Satan and sin. What we are dealing with in the area of human thought and behaviors is spiritual darkness. Psychology and psychiatry may pick some unwanted fruit (behaviors) from the lives of people, but it cannot get to the root of man’s problem: the sin-sick soul: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” - Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)

     “For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent. Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?” - 1 Corinthians 1:19-20 (KJV)

     “Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness. And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain. Therefore let no man glory in men. For all things are yours…And ye are Christ's; and Christ is God's.” - 1 Corinthians 3:18-21, 23 (KJV)

     Only God can change the depraved and evil soul of man, through His Word and His Spirit. Sadly, the modern church has removed The Word and The Spirit (Jesus) from its midst, and replaced Him with the psychologist.

     Jesus Christ is the Answer. He is the Light of the World and the Creator of man, who is our only hope for the salvation of mankind: “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.”- Matthew 4:4 (KJV)

     During the period of extended depression I experienced, I felt at the same time an almost unbearable anxiety. I spent the days shut up in my bathroom, sitting with my face toward the wall. I continually had the thought of putting a pistol to my head to end the torment. But I was a Christian, and that was not an option for me. I remember the awful restlessness of the anxiety, which caused me to “pace” the floor, back and forth, in my ’chair. It made me think of the pacing of a large caged cat in a zoo. With the beginning of each day I sought to endure my symptoms, until I could have some relative peace during sleep at night. Other than eating and sleeping, this is the way I spent several months of my life.

     My psychiatrist prescribed drugs for me, and I took them according to the directions on the labels. I am convinced that humanistic psychotherapy and taking psychoactive drugs is not the answer to a person’s problems. It’s true that situations can become extreme, and fear can set in, but Christians going to psychiatrists and psychologists is going deeper into darkness. And taking drugs that affect brain chemistry is going to create more problems for the patient. An important one being that when narcotic and psychoactive drugs are added to the body, a spirit begins to affect the mind, by drugs being added to the body. This is how narcotics create “strongholds” and control peoples’ lives. Drugs block the voice of the Lord, who is to be the one to guide us down the “strait and narrow” path (Matthew 7:13-14). This is a great concern, for the voice of God is the “light” (1 John 1:5) that enables us to straighten out the “crooked paths” (Isaiah 40:4) of fleshly, sinful desires that reside in us (Read more about the shamanism known as “psychology” at psychoheresy-aware.com, and the sorcery of psychoactive drugs in the sermonet “Marijuana: The Weed God” at www.fmh-child.org).

     I believe that when the Lord has a plan and a calling for a sinner to come out of darkness or after a person commits their life to Him, the devil very often stages an attacks against their lives. I believe that the devil was allowed to “hit” me harder after I became sober and especially after I gave my life to God. The response that the Lord looks for is that we trust Him to help us overcome whatever circumstances He leads us in to – that is – if we are walking in His will. Faith must be tested in order for it to become stronger. By extending faith toward the Lord we shall be able to see the Light at the end of the tunnel, if we believe He is faithful to do it. Jesus cannot deny Himself (He cannot be unfaithful). He is the One who is called “Faithful and True” (To read more on the subject of trials for the Believer versus trials for the unbeliever, search for the expose' “Tribulation Horror Show” at www.fmh-child.org).

     The same year I was introduced to Dr. Netscher (2000) I met with a male psychiatrist at T.I.R.R. hospital, named Dr. Jarvis. He would be the doctor to administer the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (M.M.P.I.). The test serves as a psychological profile, and one of the things they claim it is good for is to give us an indication on whether or not a person has sustained a head injury (doctors suspected I injured my brain in my 1985 motorcycle accident). One of the questions I was expected to answer on the test was, “Do you believe the Old Testament prophets”. I didn’t have to think about whether I believed the Hebrew prophets, because they served as a voice for God. I hesitated on this question, out of wonderment as to why this was on the psychological profile I was taking. Since humanistic psychology is designed to pull society away from faith in God Almighty and the Lord Jesus Christ, answering “yes” to the question, “Do you believe the prophets?” would no doubt label Believers as “religious” at best, and “psychotic” at worst.

     The steps I took toward giving roses to Annette and buying a car for my Meck, I took prayerfully and carefully – by seeking the Lord – over a period of 18 months, and a period of 15 months, respectively. I am not surprised that others might regard my actions as irrational or impulsive. Prophets are told to do some crazy-sounding and crazy-looking things. I know that I patiently sought the Lord for His will concerning the gifts to Annette and Meck, and I am going to put my faith and trust in Him.

     “That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.” - 1 Corinthians 2:5 (KJV)

(Go to Pilgrim's [Alan's] Progress Part IV - Walking.)

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